Knowledge

You know you are heading the right direction when you feel Satan trying to stop you. greater trials are a sign of greater progression? Luckily we all have help.

Really important

It is really important for me to write this down, because i can't find my journal! Anyway, I thought since the content of what I have to write down is interesting and personally fulfilling I would write it so my friends could read it.

I've been reading in Alma for a few days now. I really love the transition from mosiah to Alma, and I find myself actually understanding everything I read. Not only that, I find myself thoroughly enjoying it and also marking and disecting(sp) what i read for personal use. I've come a long way my friends... Chapter 5 of Alma, where alma the younger is preaching among the people after giving up the position of chief judge to preach was amazing. I found myself feeling like I was there listening to his words like we listen to our prophets. All those years of reading for recreation have allowed me a wonderful way to picture the scriptures in my mind as I read and than feel them much more deeply and emotionally.

Anyway, what i wanted to especially write down involves the power of being an example. I have some friends in the church that knew me when I was in-active, and they can testify that acting in a manner contrary to what the Lord commands is not good.

In chapter 17 of Alma it goes a little bit back in time to tell about Ammon and his brothers that went off to preach to the Lamanites. (they were the ones who led people away from the church with alma the younger but than had a change of heart...and HUGE ONE!) Everyone knows the story of Ammon serving under king lamoni with such diligence and faith that the king gave him anything he requested. without going into intricate detail of how awesome every single action Ammon did to convert the King of a wicked nation, and thereby countless number of souls, we will just say Ammon was totally rad.

When I went forward and read about how Ammon's brothers faired I wasn't suprised they were in jail among a wicked people. It gave me chills when I thought that being a good example was so much more powerful than preaching the word and bearing testimonies. To be sure, those things are both needed very much, but without people showing the goodness of the gospel in action there is little foundation for "the wicked" to want to heed the word.

Anyway, there it is. I have definitely changed, but I am very far off of where I need to be... I wish I had more time!

are you not entertained?!!!

I watch gladiator the other night, and as usual loved it. i was just thinking about who i am, and generally how I act around people, and I have to say it amuses me. I'm not quite a "class clown," but I often do things just to make the people around me laugh, even if it is at me and not with me.

Like belly and back flops, both unintentional results of going for a double flip. I made sure everyone knew something funny was about to happen.

Anyway, I guess I'm just writing this to tell you all that I hope you're at least entertained when I'm around =).

Best band Names ever

Dragonforce- (i like dragons, plus they are just amazing)
Five finger death punch- can you tell they are a metal band? HAHA
Rage Against the machine- good band name, every song is perfect...
Spock's beard: I heard this band and was suprised by the off the wall name haha
Metallica:
Cake: because cake> all, music and the delcious confection
Names that i would think about for a band if I had one...(i have thouight too much about this!)

fluffy bunny Brigade
Vowel Movement
Space Age Hitler and the Nazi Synthesizers
Niggas...In space!
Roll for Damage
Fallopian Swimteam (haha, dang)
The Seven Deadly Dwarves
Come to Our Show Or I'll Kill your family
Knut Punch and the Pain Pills
Powderkeg

This band is an emo band so it has a really really really really long and stupid name, we cut ourselves... DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what the heck!?

I just downloaded a set of 1000 songs claiming to be 90's greatest songs. I am going through it and almost every one is techno. I have no huge beef with techno, but the list definitely does not represent the music I listened to in the 90's, which was way better(again no offense meant haha).

I mean, I understand having like blue man group and like the macarena on the list or something, but all techno of things I've never heard? Maybe I was young, but I didn't think the 90's was all techno.

Oh, as I am looking through the list to name off any good ones I find I see a few...

Marky mark: good vibrations. haha marky mark...
MC hammer: 2 legit2 quit
turtle power(HAHAHAHAHAHA, i loved the ninja turtles)
House of pain: jump around
Public enemy: He got game(flavor flav is on it, but it's still alright)
R kelly: Bump N' Grind ("my mind's tellign me no! but my body....my body...." you get the drift)
Rage Against the Machine: 3 songs (all rage songs are awesome so it doesn't matter what they are)
Rammstein: Like 20 of their songs. Once you get past them speaking german it's some great metal haha. I love how one of their songs is a recipe for chocolate ship cookies, but it sounds angry and hardcore because it is german and metal. "AND EGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS!"
Real McCoy: Another night (it's kind of techno kind of pop, but good)
Reel 2 Real: I like to move it
Salt and pepa: Shoop(although it is very...sexual)
Santana: Smooth (it's classic)
Scatman John: Scatman (How the heck does it sound good?)
Seal: Fly like an eagle (still can't believe the dude bagged a supermodel...)
Seal: Kiss from a rose (OK, now I see why. I would do him for this song...)
Shaggy: Boombastic (oh my gosh...if this doesn't bring back memories for any of you i feel sorry for you!)
Snoop Doggy Dog: B@#$% please (before he dropped doggy dog)
Spice girls: there are like 20 some maybe one or two are alright, who knows...
Sugar Hill Gang: Rappers Delight (what can I say?)
Suzanne Vega: Tom's Dinner (You might not remember this until you listen to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxkzPsmY1Zg)
Tag Team: Pump it up
The Fugees: Killing me Softly
No Woman No Cry
Tina Turner: What's Love Got To Do With It
TLC: Waterfalls (This song actually really annoys me, but it spawned a weird al song so it's awesome)
Toni braxton: Unbreak my heart
Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby
Ninja Rap
Vengaboys: Boom Boom Boom (I can stand it once every 2 years)
We like to party (Once every 5 years)
Whitney Houston: a couple, it's too bad she's a crack whore, she had a good voice
Wreckx N effect: Rump Shaker (totally forgot about this song!)

deep thoughts??

Apparently not...but I am trying to wind down and w/e

I have been tagged again....A-Z

A. Attached or Single- My body is attached correctly, and i am single

B. Best Friend(s)- Jon, Tommy, Craig, Chris, Lacy, Jeff Mumm, your mom, and me

C. Cake or Pie- Cake. i could get on my soap box about this subject but lets just say I know my stuff. I really like funfetti cake with light vanilla frosting. It's got FUN right in the name so you know its good!

D. Day of Choice- Sunday because i will never work on that day.

E. Essential Item- This question is so ambiguous that I am having a hard time, but I will say a book. This answer leaves the option open for it to be any of my books for my different tastes and moods.

F. Flavor of Ice Cream- Rocky road

G. Gummy Bears or Worms- I'm not really in to either. too much sugar, but I would say bears.

H. Hometown- Roseville............. Birthplace: Culver City REPRESENT!

I. Indulgences- In N Out, video games

J. January or July- January until I get a car with air conditioning! than it is July.

K. Kids- Love them. don't have any yet. At stake conference today these two kids a couple rows back were crying really loud and I just smiled. I miss that family ward sound. A guy behind me got all mad and I just couldn't understand why.

L. Last movie I saw in theater- Jeff Mumm and I watched the new Alien vs Predator and laughed our way through the worst writing and acting ever. It was like watching one of those 'B' movies that they make bad on purpose to be funny.

M. Marriage Date- My Mom keeps reminding me that we can find our eternal companion in the next life if we don't find one in this one...

N. Number of siblings- Kevin - 20 going on his mission to Ghana Africa french speaking in about a month, no funny stuff ladies! Scott - 16 hecka hotter than me for realz(still no funny stuff ladies) Rachel - 12 the cause of my parents early demise and the girl who is already turning too many heads at school.

O. Orange or Apples- Oranges. I like mandarin oranges the best. With apples I am always afraid that my half of a fake tooth will pop out or something weird like that. Apples with peanutbutter doesn't count.

P. Phobias or Fears- Spiders. Joan Rivers. tom Cruise raising a kid in Scientology.

Q. Quote- I have too many quotes saved in my "mword2007Quotes" file. I like albert einstien's stuff the best. This one is special though:

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Robert Frost

R. Reason to smile- Almost everything

S. Season- fall and winter just because I like the cold. When I get a new car it might change.

T. Tag 4- your face

U. Unknown fact about me- Unknown to whom? I think I have a few that are fairly unknown to those around me. Here is one that my Mom would hate me for sharing =)

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade in Torrance(LA area) I played with this kid that was a very bad influence on me. To make a very long story very short I stood on the wall in the boys bathroom and peed on this kid that was also going... How horrible is that? I SO got that back with karma!

V. Vegetarian or oppressor of Animals- I don't Oppress the animals I eat, I just condone their deaths by paying for their delicious carcasses. (I'm only playing around. I love meat and have no problem with eating it)

W. Worst Habit- Biting my fingers/nails. It's a lame habit I have tried unsucccessfully to get rid of but anxiety gets the better of my efforts.

X. X-rays or Ultrasounds- x-rays are generally faster and easier, but ultrasounds can feel so good, especially when done for therapy.

Y. Your favorite Food- Chinese (not panda express junk but the good stuff)

Z. Zodiac- Pisces

Good morning and good night

Happiness

Over the past couple months I have been heading in a new, fantastic direction with my life but have found it oddly lacking the happiness I had before said change. I find that very few things actually make me happy. Hanging out with friends used to give me the most happiness, but now has become an event of much less joy. I have a few theories as to why I feel like I am less happy with things in my life that were, before, very fulfilling for me.


Here is my theory...In my "new Direction" I have been experiencing some extremely powerful spiritual moments associated with gaining a testimony that dwarf things like playing a video game or chatting with friends, etc. What I was experiencing before I became active was just "fun" being mistaken as happiness(worldly happiness). It's like before I was used to eating cheap ground beef for a good meal and now I eat Fillet Mignon every day and tasting ground beef is lame.

This change is obviously great, but at the same time is a little bittersweet. I find myself growing jealous of the joy that my prior self took in such simple activities. I think I am going to try to space out my time spent hanging out with people so that I will appreciate it more.

For anyone who actually reads this crap I will be making a post on service soon. I have had some amazing chances come at me in the last week to do service, which is awesome because I totally prayed to have more chances to serve!

lates...

The Notebook

I cry every time. Make fun if you want, but it is something that makes me completely lose sight of the games we all play in the dating world. It makes me want to just burst out and love someone like Noah loves Ally. When the day comes for me where I am able to have that kind of connection in my life, I don't know how it will be. I can only think of the feelings I will have in reverse. I think about the most horrible pain and anguish I have ever felt and know that the happiness I will feel will dwarf it in intensity.

As you can see I have gotten rather lovey-dovey. Who can help such feelings after watching The Notebook?

My Hot Bod

Is about 100 degrees of hotness right now. Only my very special friends really read my blog, so I thought I would toss some personal info your way. Don't worry it isn't embarrassing or anything, but might be important to someone.

As most know, I hurt my knee at family night playing human fooseball. I'm not sure how bad yet as I am trying to schedule an orthopedic appointment, but it hurts like the dickens. Don't panic yet ladies, I am very much hoping it isn't too bad that I can't attend the next dance. I took some strong pain medication to help with the pain last night and had a "reaction." I'm ok now, but it was a scare and totally interrupted my sleep last night and my day today.

Don't send me messages laughing at me but I also fell in the shower trying to turn around haha. What a stinking dunce right?

That is me at the moment. My next update will hopefully be a bit more "money."

-Ryan

My Grandpa!

My Grandpa is visiting Casa de Schwieger this week and it has been very special so far. The last few times he visited us I had a job that took up almost all of my time and I couldn't spend very much time with him. This time I have nothing going on, and have been able to really be with him a lot.

We talked about conference, losing and maintaining weight goals, girls(which was just so funny!), our love for reading, his mission, the depression and growing up at the time, and technology as it relates to him. I showed him guitar hero, my computer that I just build by hand, and my expansive digital library of books, programs, music, and movies. I just couldn't think of a better time for him to visit, and I am so happy that I can spend all this time with him and really know him better than I ever have.

When I hug him it's like hugging a dresser because he is so buff! He wakes up every morning when I am just getting to bed. When I go out to talk to him I see a book peeking out from behind the chair and think he just can't hear me(he has bad hearing), but than I look around the chair and he is holding the book upright without his arms touching the chair and is sound asleep! haha.

He told me the funniest story about his mission that I just have to share! When he was on his mission he said that all of the guys would take out their wallets and show the other missionaries pictures of their girlfriends at home. He was transfered to an area and was paired up with a guy from Colorado that he described as a "true cowboy." This cowboy missionary pulled out his wallet and showed my grandpa a picture of his roping horse! My grandpa said, "He was the smartest missionary I ever met. At least his horse was still there when he got home."

There are so many other awesome stories that he told me that I have written down, but that was one of my favorites! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did!

-Ryan

A thought on self improvement

Lately I've been on a quest to become the person that I want to marry, and more. I've made some incredible progress, but I still have a distance to travel. I feel like I want to do it all at once and be this awesome person so I can be ready to find the love of my life, but it can't happen that way. These are things that I am currently working on:

-Learning italian(I want to sing along to Josh Groban songs. Luckily none of my guy friends are cool enough to blog so they can't make fun of me again for my love of Josh Groban music!)
-Learning the basics of the guitar to jam with a friend
-Complete reading the Book of Mormon
-Finish writing the 3rd chapter of my book, titled "I hope this book idea pans out" haha
-Find a haircut that looks good on me
-Get down to 225 lbs(just a goal on the way to my goal weight)
-Play guitar hero on "hard" (it isn't really something I want in my spouse, but dang I want to be able to get the hang of that orange button!)
-two things that are always on my list (make someone happy today, and make someone feel beautiful today)

Hopefully I don't have too much piled on my plate with school and trying to find a job, but I think I can handle those for now.

For anyone who reads this blog I want to challenge you to make a commitment to do some sort of service every day, or week, or whatever time frame. It helps you more than it helps anyone else.

-Ryan

P.S. For anyone that actually reads my writings (the blog link on the right), I am sorry I haven't posted anything new lately. I have been working on actual book material and can't find any passages that are short enough to post without the reader having no idea of what is going on =).

Tackle Football...

My Friend woke me up with a call at 9:30 this morning to play tackle football at Eich football field. I didn't really think, as I was half asleep when I got ready and ate 2 bowls of Frosted Flakes, and didn't bring any water. I got to the field and had so much fun! Big big has some advantages in tackle football, but having no cleats sort of diminishes some of that haha.

Anyway, it got to the point where I needed water bad, and almost all of the guys there had Rockstar energy drinks, which for me would be worse than not drinking anything. I tried looking for a drinking fountain but I didn't feel like breaking and entering.

It was super fun. Two and a half hours of tackle football, and I lost 8 pounds in water weight. Feels good.
-Ryan

Friday Night

I'm feeling really tired so I'll keep this short. There we go...

What's in a Dream?

I dream vividly almost every night. I have no idea why, but I do. I remember last night's dream in detail. I remember sights and feelings, but no sound. I remember guilt, compassion, and jealousy. My dream last night had very strong ties to events just hours before I went to sleep.

What does this dream tell me about me? What does it tell me about how I view the people around me? What does it tell me about my true feelings for those people?

It told me that I was suppressing feelings towards each of a number of people, but especially one. It told me that eventually those feelings would eat away at me as it did it my dream. It told me what I already knew, but what I refused to accept.

Against my nature

I find that my nature is to let people into my innermost thoughts and feelings very quickly. I dislike "secrets" because I almost never keep any. If a person, almost any person, were to ask me any question I would answer truthfully. I used to lie a lot because I saw how well it worked for so many people around me, but I can't stand being that person. So that, my friends, is my nature(or at least part of it).

Being so open has it's benefits and it's terrible drawbacks. By nature people confide in people that confide in them. As you strip your "layers" or "walls" they feel more comfortable being who they really are around you and also let down their defenses. This is great for friendships and possibly relationships. I say possibly because I can not speak on that subject without a large asterisk next to anything I say. Anyway, the drawback to my nature is that it is absolutely horrible for attracting someone.

This is where my blog title comes in. I find myself increasingly going against (and often failing to go against) what I would feel comfortable doing in "the pursuit." It's frustrating, confusing, and stressful, but I have seen why it has to be done. Here is a tip of the hat to those like me, who must put on a mask so someday they can strip it away.

What if...

I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, and as usual my mind was circling the track. I started to think about all of the changes I have been making in my life for the better, and wondered just how far I have come.

How do I measure the "how far have I come" factor? It's easy. Just imagine you only have 3 months to live. How different would your next day be? What would you change? Would your most important goals change? Would you eat, act, or feel different? Obviously there would be things different just by the nature of the situation, but try to focus on what in your day would be done differently. If your whole life is turned upside down and you don't do anything the same, than you have some major work to do in your life. If not a lot changes I would say you're in an amazing state that not many people reach in their lives, but you can still always improve.

Just thought I would share this insight into the inner workings of the self-help section of my brain.

-Ryan

First Post

This is my first post on this Blog dedicated to postings of a more personal nature. At times I might use this as an informal journal, and others just to post the thing I am doing in my life. In this post I want to introduce you to me. I also hope to establish a basis of where I am in my life so I can look back through my postings and see how much I have grown and possibly how that happened. So let's start!

Important things to me and where I stand with them(not in any particular order!):

Book of Mormon Reading: In Mosiah (1st time read-through)
Weight: 260
Education: AA Computer Science, Progress on AA in Networking
Job: Crossing my fingers
Testimony: Strong testimony of service, the benefits of worthy friends, Prayer, reading the scriptures, the atonement is real, Christ lives and is our redeemer, the Holy Ghost is real and is the only way for us to realize truths and gain a testimony.
Languages known: English
Dating Status: Static, never been kissed

Goals for the coming year: learn Italian, go to the temple, obtain AA in networking, obtain A+ certification, obtain MCSE certification, learn all I can through work, find a job, save enough money to buy a new car, start on my BA courses, throw a party, make my first kiss a special one, get used to contact lenses, play guitar hero on hard, read the Book of Mormon, add as much as I can to my testimony, make a girl feel beautiful, make a new friend, make an impact on someone's life, seek missionary experiences, take more pictures of myself and my friends, lose weight, go on my first date and make it special as well, plan a singles camping trip, see a movie that inspires me, find a new music artist that inspires me, write a short story, write a poem, follow the tao of steve

Looking at those goals I am not overwhelmed but rather excited. There is a lot of cool stuff on that list that are entirely in my reach if I work hard. I hope all of you out there(whoever may read this) try to write down some goals for yourself. It really helps to focus in on what is most important and lets you get a scope on where you are at in your progression to being the best you can be!

-Ryan